There's nothing to win.

Two can play at this, she thought. I challenge you to a duel.

We’ll start slow.

Letter for letter,
word for word, sentence to sentence.
Let’s see who evokes the others emotion to come forth
first.
I admit -
I’m sure she’ll be shy at first, but your words are so
tempting
and she’s been contemplating her unveil.

GO
.
..
…
….
…..
Is that you? She thought
what have you become?

Or worse,

who have you always been?
you’ve hid from me?

THAT TUGGED AT ME.

Now paragraphs to paragraphs and pages to pages,
......this isn’t combat
although Emotionally violent,
there’s nothing to win
(i dont give in)
But each other.

12:45am.

I don't have enough courage to write what I wanted to say tonight. It's funny how things become real. But maybe it's not real? I am very capable of convincing my mind of things - hopefully this is the case.

Maybe I'll write about something else since I am incredibly unable to sleep and incredibly exhausted. I taught my students about freewriting today - "brain energy" and I told them to "pull the levers in their brains" (we imaged our brains as a slot machine) and just write.

My cat has managed to curl between back and the pillow I am resting on; Why couldn't he just continue to keep my feet warm?

It is still a beautiful world.

"With all its sham, drudgery and broken dreams, it is still a beautiful world.

Be cheerful. Strive to be happy."- Max Ehrmann

Faith.

I don't believe in God--I don't know how to.

I picture myself dying and coming before the gates of heaven and, well literally saying, "holy shit he does exist." But, I don't see God denying me - How could he? How could he blame me for not being being able to understand something as great has having Faith? When all is said and done, I am a good person - and God, if in existence, knows that. With or without my faith -and upon my death - if introduced to God, I will be forgiven.

How to disappear completely.

I find it interesting and sad that I can pack up and leave.
I'm proud of my courage to leave it all behind.
Yet, I'm still here.
So what does that say?

Perhaps it is those who think they are tough that are actually the weakest.
Maybe my thoughts persuade my heart.

Maybe actions really do speak louder than words....

Nostalgic.

How gorgeous is this image?

It makes me feel -

something I fear I had forgotten to experience.

---

I haven't felt much like myself lately.

I have an unfulfilled desire for the "better days," and I have to continually remind mysel that yes,

I DID have better days.

If anybody could have saved me it would have been you.

"You cannot find peace by avoiding life"
- Virgina Woolf

.

Her suicide followed a note she left for her husband which stated:

"I feel certain that I am going mad again. I feel we can't go through another of those terrible times. And I shan't recover this time. I begin to hear voices, and I can't concentrate. So I am doing what seems the best thing to do. You have given me the greatest possible happiness. You have been in every way all that anyone could be. I don't think two people could have been happier 'til this terrible disease came. I can't fight any longer. I know that I am spoiling your life, that without me you could work. And you will I know. You see I can't even write this properly. I can't read. What I want to say is I owe all the happiness of my life to you. You have been entirely patient with me and incredibly good. I want to say that — everybody knows it. If anybody could have saved me it would have been you. Everything has gone from me but the certainty of your goodness. I can't go on spoiling your life any longer. I don't think two people could have been happier than we have been. V."